.........i waste my time writing journals that nobody reads

Im really not sure WHY i even decided to write one, cuz in all honesty, im at a loss for words....But ill do the best i can to explain myself. K Here goes....

First things first. My ex-boyfriend is being extremely freaky lately. It started when he told me he wasnt ok with me going to college bcause he just KNEW i would cheat on him. Then i was "too fat" and needed to loose weight, even though earlier that very SAME day he accused me of starving myself cuz i hadnt eatin breakfast yet! Then he didnt want me trying out for the dance team cuz he thought it would turn me into a slut (somebodys been watchin too much "Benjamin Button" lol). THEN he thought i was cheating on him with his best friends and his cousin, which of course isnt true, wasnt true, and NEVER will be true, TRUST ME!!!!

But that wasnt the worst of it...i mean, accusing me of doing things that im not doing or havent even done yet hurts enough, but then he starts demanding to know where im going (even thought he always refused to believe my answer), he looked through my phone like three times a day (and i dont even text or call anyone in front of him unless its my mom!), and he told me i was dressing trashy. We couldnt hang out with his friends anymore because i was "too flirtatious" around them. (Even the chicks! Go figure lol im not even a lesbo!) And there were tons of other things, like not saying "I love u" everytime he says it to me, and he says it to me like every five seconds of the day......and folding clothes in front of him also made him mad! And i dont mean just a little pissed or something like that. He would actually chew me out for doing chores! It was freakin ridiculous...lol when i say he got mad about everything, i mean EVERY EFFIN THING!!!!!

Whew.....ok now im gonna chill out lol. I always get myself so worked up anyway...as u probably guessed, we broke up like a million times. And every single time it was "But what did i do wrong?!" and "But i love u so much! We were meant for each other!" and then there were tons of tears and freaking out and more tears and more freaking out and more and more tears .....He even threatened to flip his car once....it was like his most fav person in the whole wide world just died or something. So then guess what? I actually start to feel bad for him and i think to myself "Well, was it really that bad?". And like a dumbass i get back together with him. Stop, rewind, repeat.

Its a shame too, because i know that he can be a freakin cool person to hang out with (if the wind happens to be blowing in the direction he wants and the stars are aligned just the way he prefers lol..) But u can probably guess how often that happens It really sucks. But when we first started hanging out, he never did anything wrong EVER. We never got in fights...it was a live-and-let-live kinda thingy. And every time i take hime back, he's that same guy i used to know...at least for a short while, but then he goes back to bein in asshole mode, and so the cycle repeats itself

Now this is where the REAL dilemma is.....most people would probably say "just break up with him for good, yall never see each other again, and forget about it". But that is SOO much easier than it sounds...first off, we live in a town with a populaton of like 1700. So we're ALWAYS gonna run into each other and hes gonna pester me nonstop. We both drive around like ever day so its inevitable. Second off, hes very obsessive, so even if we dont accidentally run into each other, we will "accidentally" run into each other if u know what i mean. And his uncle lives on my street. He hangs out at his uncles house all the time. Basically what im trying to say is, i just want to avoid confrontation cuz that leads to very bad and awkward things......

And there's yet another problem. I must admit, im gonna miss him. I already do, and i know that makes absolutely no sense. I doesnt make sense to me either. I guess that whole "absence makes the heart grown fonder" thingy is true.

Im not saying i love him that way. Its not like that, although he thinks it is. Its just, to be honest, i have like NO friends i get to hang out with on a regular basis. And the funny thing is, about a year ago i had literally one (lol and she's my sister); it was really hard being that lonely, but i dealt with it, and life moved on. Well ive been spoiled now cuz ive actually experienced having friends outside my house, so having nobody to hang out with hurts much worse then it used to. Oh well, i guess i should just cope with it. It will be better for me in the long run.....

...and i know that. But its just so dissappointing. I feel like everybody wants to use me. Last year, i wanted more than anything to just have someone, ANYONE, to talk to, even if it was just the mentally retarded kid down the street, or that emo girl who could give a shit less if i lived or died she just wanted somebody to feel sorry for her spoiled anorexic ass (hehe...true stories ). But now i have more people talkin to me than i ever dreamed of, but i dont want to have anything to do with them. A year ago i convinced myself that the people i talked to actually cared even though deep down i knew they really didnt. Now, I know that the people i talk to dont care. I know it so freakin much that i cant just pretend like they DO care. So sure, i talk to people, but id rather be in my car or in my room ALONE listening to music. Music is alot less disappointing than people.

So what am i getting at exactly? Basically, bein around him makes me feel like someone cares about me, even though i know that deep down he doesnt care all that much. I guess i just havent quite reached that seeing-past-the-crap stage with people that im actually sort of close to. *Sigh*...maybe next year ill be at that stage. I sure hope so....

Hahaha.....guess im not really at a loss for words, am i?